My friends,
Today, I thought I would take the time to share my journey with you. I know that I am viewed as an impetuous youngster by some in our community. Some may think that I am new to this world and that I do not have the seasoning and conditioning to be the leader of, perhaps, one of the largest men’s Leather Clubs in the US. I am in fact a time-worn pragmatist with over a decade of experience in the community, teaching credentials, and an entire rolodex of contacts across the country, though I am not one to name drop. I have had my share of successes, and more than my share of failures and regrets. Hopefully, a more in-depth accounting will shed some light on who and what I am.
I was born in Albuquerque, New Mexico in April, 1985 and I lived in Albuquerque until I was 7 when my parents moved to a very rural area about 25 miles to the east of Albuquerque. I spent my entire early life in New Mexico and I did not travel widely. As a child, I was frequently bullied and tormented by other kids for who knows what reason, but it was a constant thing during my formative years. This bullying shaped my mind as enjoying being a victim and I gained some sense of pleasure that more Alpha kids were paying attention to me. I think that I started to like it, and I would goad the bullies into assaulting me as time went on so I could get that thrill. When kids play cops and robbers, some kids like to be cops, well I always liked to be the robber. Something about being restrained and put in a cage always appealed to me even before I knew what my dick was for. Later, when I started to enter puberty and those thoughts started to come with more frequency, I would tie myself up, usually with a belt or scarf. At first this was something I did privately but as time went on I found that I could get a greater thrill if I did it in a place that I might get caught. Sadly, I was never brave enough to put myself in a position where I was caught. But that fantasy drove my lust for the first several years of my burgeoning sexual appetites. I suppose, in retrospect, that I was attracted to men even as a boy, definitely in high school. I lusted after other guys, but I was quite repressed, and my only frames of reference on gay men where not positive. One of my great regrets is that I did not come out of the closet in high school when I started having those feelings, my life may have been so much different if I had.
I graduated High School in 2003 at the bottom of my class as a very content D- student. I went directly into the army and 26 weeks later I was discharged after failing Basic Training. I spent a few years in a stupor of drugs, addictions, and vices. My drug of choice was, and dangerously still is, pain killers. I got started on Ultrams in the Army and found a cheap source of them when I got out. I would spend weeks at a time in a hazy stupor, not facing the realities of life. I did not keep jobs for very long and I went through a string of heterosexual relationships during this time. I came out of the closet in November of 2004. I remember my first gay experience was with a guy that I met in an AOL chatroom late at night, I had never gone into a gay room before, but when I posted “19, m, nm, straight” and my chat EXPLODED; I did end up meeting with a guy who picked me up and took me to his place and I explored the first male body other than my own. I was so high at the time that I couldn’t tell you his name or what he looked like, but I do remember what it felt like sucking a dick for the first time, getting fucked for the first time. About a week later I met my first love, Clifton, and I moved in with him a few weeks later. We were together for about a year and during that time I put in the effort to get clean from pills. He was a Navajo and his family were traditional healers. I remember how sick the first sweat lodge that I attended with them made me and how the healers helped me clear myself of the influence of the drugs in my system. It was an amazing experience for me and I’ve never relapsed, even when I’ve really wanted to.
In mid-October, 2006 I went to a BDsM 101 class that was being taught by Julian Wolf, at an event in Albuquerque. I was curious so I went. It was not a very impressive class but I was intrigued by Julian, I can’t say what it was that drew me to them. They told me that they were in charge of a haunted house in a few weeks and asked me if I wanted to be involved so I said sure. At that haunted house I met people who went on to be some of my longest friends, Lee and Jeremy McK, as well as their children. That night, I met the second love of my life, Frida. Frida was, and is, a force of nature, she is MtF, but that never mattered to me. She was known in the kink community as Princess Frida and the moment that she laid eyes on me she claimed me from Julian and everyone else present. We met a few days later at a coffee shop and I told her that I was in a solid relationship and that I was not interested in cheating on Clifton. Twenty minutes later I was sucking her dick in her car and she brought out the rampaging beast of repressed sexuality that was dying to break free from inside me. She introduced me to levels of kink and depravity that I never imagined and the orgasms that I had when I was with her shattered my mind, better than any drug. I ended up cheating on Clifton for several weeks because I did not want to hurt him; but, as tends to happen, hurt him I did. When he found out it was a very bad break up and I had to destroy a piece of him to get him to let me go. I regret how I hurt him in the end, the things that I had to say to make him release his grip on me will resonate in my heart until the day I die. I hope that he found happiness and that he may someday forgive me for the transgressions I made and the hell I wrought upon him.
My first introduction to a gay bar was with Frida, she dressed me in a tight pink shirt and tiny short-shorts, blue as I recall, no underwear, she had me in a dog harness and cuffed my hands behind my back. We went to the bar known as Sidewinders in East Albuquerque on a Leather Night. I still recall that my dick was at full mast when she walked me into the bar, ostensibly against my will, and into the back bar area. The men who were present were filled with lust at the sight of me and I had a great time that night. I’ve only rarely since felt so attractive and desirable as I felt that night. Princess Frida, had a bad reputation, which I did not know at the time, that she would get a new toy, use them for a while, and then throw them away in favor of a new toy. A few weeks into our relationship, I slipped and said that I loved her and she did not talk to me for a few days. She eventually did come back and tell me that she loved me too. We went on to date for a few glorious years. During my time with her I was introduced to the greater leather community locally and nationally, we went to Thunder in the Mountains and Southwest Leather together for a few consecutive years, as well as a number of local Albuquerque events and clubs. We did end up breaking up eventually, as I recall, mutually a few years later. We are still close friends, we talk occasionally, and I cherish the years that we had in each other’s company.
In 2009, when I was 24, at an Albuquerque event called Spring Pandemonium, I taught my first class. The class was on Kitty Play and it was well attended. I went on to teach on pet play, masochism, and BDsM theory in the next year or so at a number of local level events in Albuquerque. I was also roped into being demo bottom for about a dozen classes and presentations. In the years since, I’ve taught classes all across the country from Seattle to St. Louis. In the past few years I’ve taken a step back from that due to my personal insecurities and anxieties. Most recently I taught a ‘Bratting from the Top’ class for Dallas NLA.
In summer 2009, on the brink of homelessness, I met longtime friends and companions Mike and Randy Coburn. They were members of a local men’s leather club called the New Mexico Leather Wolves. I got involved in the club through them and met Steve Weardon, Craig D., Tyler M., Mauro M., Ruben G., Major, and others. My mentor during the initiation process was Tyler M., I spent 6 months learning and growing under him, occasionally literally, and we developed a decent friendship. I became a full member of the Leather Wolves on a very cold December night in 2009. I remember that Steve flogged me in one of the most primal and cathartic scenes of my entire life, afterwards I was cut down and led outside, stark naked into the 20 degree Albuquerque night. I knelt and my colors were put on me for the first time, then ten men pissed on me, it was very warm and then VERY COLD. Less than a year later, the club folded when there was a schism over the opening number in a club variety show. The men who wanted “Somewhere over the Rainbow” to be the opening number stayed in the Leather Wolves, and the men who wanted “It’s Raining Men” to be the opening number broke off and formed what would later become the Albuquerque Leather Daddies. The Wolves, who I remained loyal to, were unable to stay afloat with the loss of a dozen or so members and the club collapsed. In 2010, I was invited to go to Chicago for IML where my mentor Tyler was competing, I declined due to money and a prior commitment. I was camping about two hours east of Albuquerque when I got a text message that Tyler had won IML, I thought that it was a bad joke at the time, but I packed up and drove to the city limits, close enough to get signal on my phone (this was before 4G access everywhere humans live), and saw that my friend had won the greatest title in all of Leather. It is a great regret that I was not there with him that weekend.
Late in 2009 I was invited by someone whom I had never met to join the board of a club that had not been invented yet. Sera Miles reached out to me to probe my interest and it turned out that it was just the sort of opportunity I needed. I joined the board of what would become New Mexico FetLifers, NMFL, alongside Britney V., Kimberly, Zhym, and Raven. I was the Policies and Procedures Coordinator of the Club and I wrote our Bylaws, basing them on the bylaws of other clubs across the nation. Over the next year or so, NMFL grew into the largest Leather, Kink, and BDsM umbrella organization that the state of New Mexico has seen before or since. We connected dozens of different clubs across the state under one unifying flag. Boasting well over 500 members at our height. We also produced our own event, Evolution of the Revolution (EvoRevo) for three years. The first year we headlined John Baku, founder of FetLife and Jay Wiseman. The second year we had Saskia Davies, Mama Vi, and Serene. The third year we went all out and headlined Guy Baldwin.
Over the five years from 2009 to 2014, we lost members from our board and found that while everyone wants to dress up, come to the parties, play, and screw; few are those who are actually willing to step up and take an active role in the day to day operations of the club. Five years in and no one was willing to run for an office to replace one of the four remaining members, or the open position. We ended up shuttering the club in 2014 and leaving a power vacuum in the New Mexico community that is still a sucking chest wound in that realm. Our feat may never be replicated, even though there are those who stepped up in the aftermath and tried to cut out swaths of territory for themselves.
During my time with NMFL, I met the third love of my life, Chance. He was at the First EvoRevo and at the second EvoRevo I asked him to marry me, he said yes. We got married right before EvoRevo 3. We were together for 7 years in total from early 2010 to early 2017. I loved him, and I still do, but just because you love someone does not mean that you are not bad for one another. I loved Chance in the same ways as I loved pills. He made me feel a sort of way when I was with him, I was addicted to the feeling that I got when I looked into his beautiful blue eyes, and I shared my dreams and desires with him. Our souls touched, but were, in the end incompatible. We separated and got a divorce. He has not spoken to me in three years now, I still miss him and I would take him back if I could, if only so I could get that spark of whatever it is that I get when I’m near him. I should have paid more attention to the zodiac when it said that a Taurus and an Aries would never be compatible. We split for exactly the reasons that the zodiac said that we would.
After I left NMFL, in 2014, I was asked to help form MAsT Albuquerque which I was happy to do, sitting as Member at Large on their board for a few years. In the end I left that group based on a misunderstanding or miscommunication that flew out of control and proportion, it threatened to split the club and it was the better option that I just leave. None of the people who are still in that club talk to me. I hope that Lady Golden, Lou, Dan, and all the rest are well. I wish them my best.
In January 2017, with my divorce, I moved to Denver, CO to get a fresh start. I’d never lived anywhere else. It was bumpy but I was in a new environment with new friends and experiences. I got involved with a few kink groups in Denver, procured a membership to the Denver Dangerous Theater, and went to quite a few events at the RACK Room, the adult play space owned by my friend Saskia, and I became very involved in Denver’s MAsT. I was pretty sad when I had to leave Denver behind, but it’s so expensive to live there. In the end I was working three jobs just to afford rent. I got a job with the TSA in Dallas and I moved.
The rest is too recent to write here. I have too much potential to hurt feelings. Check back with me in ten years for how Dallas treated me when I arrived. I meant this to be a short writing about who I am and where I’ve been, but I just started flowing once I started. As always, if there’s something you want to see me write in the future. Please let me know.
All my best,
-Saint St.James
